IncGamers Network

Virtual Skipper 5 UNPLAYED

Before we continue, we’d like to make it clear that Lee Tharjick is his own entity and that the views portrayed in this article, are the thoughts of Lee Tharjick and not that of IncGamers. With that in mind, we feel we cannot restrict Lee’s creativity by forcing him to work within boundaries so we accept him for that and hope you do too.

For more information on why we’ve decided to use Lee, then please click here. The idea of coming back to an office the size of my left foot (my right is slightly bigger) didn’t really appeal to me.  For the last two weeks I’ve been on holiday in Weston-Super-Mare. I’ve watched the sun rise and set, I’ve listened to the waves crashing against the rocks, I’ve shot an old woman with a crossbow I found in Cash Converters. It’s been great.  Just me, my beer and my bag of tricks.

Anyway I got back a bit early (you start one little fire and suddenly you’re public enemy number one), only to discover that none of the reviews or features that I’d written made it to the site.  I have spoken to the management and have expressed my anger.  Unfortunately I was still quite drunk, and hence can’t really remember what I said. I suspect it went well.  Either way, I’m back and in keeping with the holiday theme, the bandits have given me Virtual Skipper 5. Which is about as appropriate as giving Heather Mills a pair of flip-flops.  

Obviously, this is a PC title – no cretin would even consider putting this on a console – but I do feel that it might bode well on the DS.  The cover is exceptionally nautical, with some French cock fighting some Italian slime ball in their respective boats.  There’s also a bunch hot air balloons scattered on the cover, which are about as relevant as Noel Edmonds at a Bloc Party gig.

The box claims that this is the “must-have game for all sailing fans”, but the only thing “must have” thing about this game is the DVD case.  Let’s face it, the subject matter is hardly thrilling. Until they decide to unite the twin disciplines of competitive sailing and piracy, I’m not interested. Until I’m allowed to board a rival’s boat, steal all his gold and lay claim to his womenfolk then I’ll stick to the pub, thanks very much. This game isn’t even affiliated to any group of nautical know-bodies, so I’ve had to call The Nautical Institute to find out what they think a PC game will do to help raise awareness of their hobby.

“Hello, The Nautical Institue, how can I help?”
“Yeah, I want to drive a boat.  I’ve got a game and it’s taught me to drive a boat. Where can I go for a boat?  I want to get to Sweden tonight.”
“Have you passed your IMO tests?”
“What the f** is an IMO test?  Do I sound like an Emo to you?”
“No sir, it’s the…”
“Now look here. I’ve just spent the last 13 hours driving this virtual piece of shit across the Atlantic and I want a real boat now.  I want the one from The Spy Who Loved Me that eats other boats.”

Phone goes dead.

If I were you, I wouldn’t bother.  Instead I’d go hitchhiking on the A47.  It might be more fun.

I’ll give it a 8/10.


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