Going by my success in games, I’m good at everything. I’m not sure this is a good thing when it comes to the recent Drug Dealer Simulator, but I have definitely been groomed for a virtual life of crime. Hitman? Monaco? Dungeon Keeper? Barbie Sparkling Ice Show? Yeah, I’m ready for this.
In fact, I’m so ready that I don’t intend to do much selling of drugs in Drug Dealer Simulator. It allows mixes so that you can cut your drugs with sugar (that is to say, mix the drugs with another substance so you have “more” to sell). But what if I just sell sugar instead?
In short, I’m going to deal as few drugs as possible. My exclusive, primo clientele in Drugtown — or whatever this fictional hellhole ghetto is called — will be getting only the finest sugar, baking soda, and washing up powder that I can buy from the gas station. Despite them asking for illegal drugs. And if nothing else, sugar might at least mean I don’t have to dodge the police so much.
This was in no way inspired by Adam Buxton’s take on a certain NWA song, but you should listen to it anyway because it’s great and surprisingly scene-setting.
But first, actually playing Drug Dealer Simulator
Unfortunately, it takes some time to get this set up. Drug Dealer Simulator starts off fairly on-rails and gradually unlocks new mechanics as you progress. Which is fine for a simulator! It means you can get used to things as you go rather than being dunked head-first into a maelstrom of numbers and systems. It also means that, alas, I’d have to actually sell some drugs to get started.
This is pretty much the core gameplay loop of Drug Dealer Simulator. Buy drugs from your supplier and pick them up. Wait for orders to come in from your customers, assemble the quantities they want, and deliver them — preferably while avoiding police attention. Rinse and repeat while doing other bits like giving out free samples or spray painting your tag to earn Respect in those zones.
None of the tags looked particularly appealing for someone planning on selling only the finest confectionery, so I just went with the blitzed smiley face. And then defaced a beautiful kitty mural with it, which immediately made me feel bad.
Still, this brief period of “playing the game like a normal person” did build up my customer base and expand my sales into a few areas. More importantly, it gave me the opportunity to build up my stash of sugar (and assorted other sundries) from the gas station.
It didn’t take overly long for the first cog in my master plan to click into place. Emma Broadus here sells stuff in the Old Marketplace, seemingly after you’ve gained a few levels. What we needed was a simple mortar, used to grind up substances.
See, people in Drug Dealer Simulator will buy literally anything as long as it’s in the form they’re expecting. If they’re looking for amphetamines, it needs to be a powder. If they’re after ecstasy, it’s got to be a pill. As we won’t get access to any pill makers without playing a lot longer, this means I’m focusing solely on amphetamines.
Luckily, I can actually disable my selling of particular drugs, so I won’t get orders for others. This is mostly a bad idea in the game itself as it tends to mean less sales and thus a drop in Respect, among other things. For the purpose of just selling not-drugs, though? It’s perfect.
Rise to power
So let’s get about this.
Do I have “fet”? Why, yes! Yes I do! Let me just hustle over to my lab.
Right. That’s 20g of pure sugar all ready and prepped to be sold as amphetamines. And you know what? People paid for it.
Look at all of this delicious Respect and money, just rolling right in.
Not only that, but I can hand out little packets of sugar as samples of “drugs” to increase my respect. This is the best, most foolproof plan ever. Here, random stranger! Have a gram of sugar!
Best of all, sugar is legal, so I can be brazen. No need to hide from the cops, and if they decide to search me while I’m carrying my products, I don’t even need to run and hide. Check this out:
Wait. The fuck?
No, they found sugar. I’m fairly sure that’s not classified as a drug, despite a number of its properties.
So, okay. The police are working with the FDA and don’t approve of my ground-up, untested gas station sweetener being sold without a license. Fine. Or perhaps they were just suspicious of the bags of white powder I’m carting around, labeled “DEFINITELY REALLY GOOD DRUGS AND NOT SUGAR.”
Mechanically though, this makes sense in Drug Dealer Simulator. If I’ve packaged something up as drugs and am selling it as drugs, it stands to reason the police would see it as drugs, even if it is indeed a small packet of pure sugar. I mean, it’s apparently well-enough disguised that I’m fooling the average buyer, so the cops can reasonably be suspicious. But whatever.
The path of vengeance
Everything is good. I’m raking in the money because sugar is much cheaper than drugs, and I’m getting experience and respect with every sale. I’m also on the police radar because of my sweet deals, and I do not apologize for that pun in the slightest.
Not only that, but I think it’s pretty hard (if not impossible) for NPCs in this game to overdose on sugar. I’m at the top of my game, but the higher you rise, the more dangerous the fall. Before long, tragedy strikes.
I start getting complaints, and not only that, I actively get people refusing to come back and buy more of my sugar. Now, I’m pretty sure I could get around this in Drug Dealer Simulator. I reckon I could probably get a fair bit further into the game without selling anything actually illegal. But I’m offended now. You want drugs? I’ll give you drugs. I’ll give you drugs until you stop.
The names are etched in my brain: Al Cebolla. Mateusz Alvizo. Donald Alvarez. You are my nemeses. You will regret stepping on my sugar business.
Step one: reload my saved game to before I lost customers. Step two: actually play Drug Dealer Simulator, again.
Revenge is best served powdered
For the next several hours of real-life time, I built up my empire properly. I sold drugs. I carefully adjusted the mix and cut my narcotics in such a way as to make them addictive, and I slowly reeled the people in. I got a number of addicts. I waited.
And then, with all the grace of a fat house cat falling off a chair, I pounced. You want a ridiculous amount of amphetamines? That’s fine. You’re getting ground-up ibuprofen.
That’ll bloody teach you. Don’t mess with a man’s sugar business. Why? Because… revenge is sweet.